I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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