I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
