if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
