Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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