Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
