i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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