I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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