I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
