Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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