I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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