Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I faked an abortion last night.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Randomize
