I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
