Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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