Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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