Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
