I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
