My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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