I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
