dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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