I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
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Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
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We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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