my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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