she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
