I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
