Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
