How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'm like, not good at living.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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