Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize