And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
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Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
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She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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