please come you make the beer taste better
My pussy is not your playground.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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