Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
