She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Randomize
