he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
