Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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