What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
