It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
