yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
