No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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