I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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