Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
