We're facebook friends in real life
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
