I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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