I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
