I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
My vagina just recognized that song.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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