The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize