We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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