Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
