Screwed.edu
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize
