Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
