What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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