Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
