Who wears a wallet chain?!
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
