maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
