I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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