Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Pooping to opera.
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