btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Someone signed my nipple.
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