Your mouth is God's brothel.
he thought i was a dude.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
