I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
